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The Tale of Five : An ArcWorlde Campaign | ArcWorlde Community Forum

The Tale of Five : An ArcWorlde Campaign


  • Hello, everyone. This is where I will be posting the narrative for an ongoing ArcWorlde campaign that I am running. We are using my adaptation of Warp's campaign format. I have posted my adaptation elsewhere in this forum. As the narrative develops, I will post the chapters below.

    Introduction

    My parents, their parents, and their parents, and ever on, fading into the mists of time, have lived here in the Rimlands. And their stories have wandered through those mists from the cyclical successions of lips to ears until I too have heard them. Now I am old and have no kin to hear these stories. So for you, whoever you are, I will write these tales. 

    Let me tell you of such a time that can only be reminisced by the fire. When the Imperials still feared the consternation of their arcloques, Gremlins were bogeymen who knotted children' s boots, and Grifflings were treated as vermin. Yes, such a time existed and the map of the world resembled that of today but if you looked closely, the details were different. 

    On the southern border of Scotstaine could be found the beastfolk clan of MacClachard living in their appropriately named ancestral home of Dunclachard. You might have heard of the rather large stone at the heart of their town. While it is no more than a boulder, back then it was a rather impressive stone. Obstinate and unchanging like that rock were clan MacClachard. When given the option to stay their course or change their perspectives, the clan were wont to say “Nary a blaggard in clan MacClachard” as they kept to their ways, no matter the cost.

    Such was their tradition and pride. And with such noble virtues came a proclivity towards insularity. They stayed at home and feared the strange spanses of wilderness and civilization that existed beyond a caber’s throw. So, a story begins with a spark of the strange: a MacClachard spurred to change. 

    This came to be when a wandering merchant stopped by the clan to peddle wares. This was not uncommon, not new, and the wares were bought and bartered as usual. Auld Moire MacClachard visited this merchant, looking to buy some trinkets, when she glanced upon a strange tubular club at the merchant’s waist. A glowing rock seemed affixed to this tube with an apparatus of metal. Auld Moire asked what that was. Scoffing, the merchant asked if Auld Moire lived under a rock, that the item was an arcloque pistol of great value and fearsome power. Half-listening to the unnecessary lambasting, Auld Moire became keenly aware of the shadow of Dunclachard’s name sake.

    Perhaps, aye, she had been living under a rock. 

    The realization took a while to fester, to gnaw at the comfortable surety of tradition. One day, in the middle of doing some asinine task, Auld Moire stopped. She looked around at her incurious clansfolk. She sighed and then declared: “I am going to learn about this world, outside of the shadow of the rock.” Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. Then they resumed their tasks. Auld Moire returned to her home and got pished. 

    The next day, hungover, Auld Moire left her abode to find a means to quiet the galloping horses when she was stopped by Clever Frogatha, an amphibian verman more bold than most. “Me an’ the lads been talkin’, Big Yin, and we’re with ye.” Auld Moire vacantly gazed upon her new disciples: Clever Frogatha with her smiling eyes, Wee Rottwilliam and his panting mischief, Honest Blanco and his restless tail, Sweet Guineavere and her calming smile, and Stroppy Thomouse who seemed distracted. “Alright, let’s go,” said Auld Moire and they left their home.

    The world they ventured into is one of wonder, but also of danger. Such a danger was making itself known off the western coast of Njorsevald. The Phantom Corsairs of the Black Atoll have begun pillaging once more. No longer bound by mortal hungers and limits, these Undead Raiders seek to sow fear and terror in all those that have the misfortune to encounter them. A mere ship’s cook in life, Captain Dreadmaw aims to establish his name in death. 

    Meanwhile, in southern Hobbleshire could be found the town of Halffield Haven. The founders were the married halflings: Henry Halffield and Maureen Butterbean. Their gamble in establishing such a settlement soon bore figurative and literal fruit as Henry brought with him invaluable knowledge from his home of Applegrove. Maureen too brought prosperity to their Haven with her talents in raising cattle for creams and cheeses soon earned the town fame and steady customers, even from her hometown of Buttercream. However, it was their combined talents that brought about the product that would put Halffield Haven on the map: Butterbean Cider. 

    The small town evolved from the family business into a veritable prosperous community on the rimlands of northern Mildaark. Time collected its tithe as it is wont to do, and Henry and Maureen left their businesses in the care of their sons: Hugo and Horatio. They continued the family business, tweaking recipes and altering practices in such ways that everyone benefitted and the town continued to grow. However, all sunny days must in time give way to night. And so it was for Halffield Haven. 

    The depths of Mildaark hide many wonders but they also hide many terrors. Some terrors can be reasoned with, others have no pity and will act on their whims no matter the results. Unfortunately, Halffield Haven caught the attention of one such pitiless terrors: the Mildaark Lurker. This is not the only story of the Mildaark Lurker that I can tell. And I fear none of those stories have happy endings. She’s a capricious beast with an envious heart. Perhaps she ensnared a caravan carrying Butterbean Cider and acquired a taste for the brew. Perhaps she had heard stories of the town’s good fortunes and wished to humiliate them. Who can know of such a creature’s reason, I know I do not. They say she took her time wending her way to Halffield Haven. The forest darkened around the town and slowly over time the nights grew quiet. Then one still night, when the darkness was deeper and thicker than smothering webs, the Mildaark Lurker struck! Her chittering brood swarmed the town and as the lights of torches and fires were extinguished, a large terrible shape approached the town. In the midst of his friends and family being wrapped up in webs, Sheriff Hugo Halffield rallied the remnants of his guard and released the trollhounds from their kennels. The battle was hard fought and too many halfling fell, but the foe was driven back at the break of dawn. 

    The town they loved was in ruins, its brewery, bakeries, and dairies ransacked and plundered. Its people were broken, some in body, others in spirit. But Hugo did not give into dismay. He had seen that horror and did not back down. Enkindled within him burned two flames: the burning desire to restore Halffield Haven to prosperity and the fire of vengeance against the Mildaark Lurker.

    To the east, the Von Malias Vampires of Castle Schloss were dealing with a different threat. As with all Vampires, the Von Malias partook in the internecine politics of their people. And they traditionally have succeeded. Like a proud nail, the Von Malias have stood out while other lineages have risen and fallen in the region. 

    But circumstances have changed. Victoria, the clan’s matriarch, had grown bored with immortality and over the recent centuries has taken a more martial approach to the games that Vampires play. And she was good at the art of war and personally had a hand in quite a number of Vampire lineages falling. But warfare, even for the undead, takes wealth and resources. Unfortunately, the Von Malias coffers have finally emptied. 

    Normally this would be bad news. A problem to solve. However, a messenger that had been sent out to a rival clan had recently returned to Castle Schloss, minus a body and in a neatly wrapped box. With such a disagreeable statement, having no money turned out to be terrible news. Badder than bad. A true spark for a powderkeg kind of situation. Victor, coincidentally Victoria’s partner, suggested that they go for a midnight stroll. It would be good to get some fresh air, drink some fresh blood. Clear the head and ponder the situation. Their doom was for sure nigh but it was not quite now. 

    They needed money.

    They needed resources. 

    They needed a plan.

    Surely they needed to prepare quickly, for in the south Arch Duke Valerius rules as a tyrannical Dark Lord, commanding his forces from the imposing Onyx Citadel and daily sending the heads of interlopers back to their masters. Driven by a desire for absolute dominion, he has mobilized vast dozens of hobgoblins to act as the instrument of his conquest, aiming to subjugate all of Arcworlde under his iron rule.

    However, Valerius's power rests on a fragile foundation. While his hobgoblin minions outwardly prostrate themselves in worship, they secretly despise their oppressor and pray fervently for freedom. This hidden dissent creates a volatile dynamic where the Arch Duke’s greatest weapon—his army—is also his greatest vulnerability, waiting for the right moment to break their chains.

    Each of these individuals have their parts to play in the coming tale whether they wanted to or not. But I have found that these are the types of people who are the most compelling actors in our world. Their actions and words may be small, but the consequences shall be large. 

    The story you are about to read will be retold in the generations to come as the Tale of Five.

     



  • Chapter 1, Part 1: The Beastfolk of Clan MacClachard

    Auld Moire led her scant handful of clanfolk out of Dunclachard and into the wider world. Due to the traditional insularity of their clan, it was a mere few hours before they wandered into lands known only to their people through legends and rumor. After a few more hours, the aptly named Honest Blanco said aloud what they all had been thinking since they first departed: “Where are we going?” Embracing the strange new wisdom of serendipity, Auld Moire quickly suggested that they should visit the Oval Oceans, for none of their people have ever gazed upon such a wondrous and probably fantastical sight. Clever Frogatha, also aptly named, then suggested that they turn around for it is said that the Oval Oceans are to the west and not in the direction they were currently headed: the East. After a few days’ journey, the MacClachard beastfolk heard a distant roaring sound, both fearsome yet majestic. And soon there was a salted scent  in the air. Onward they continued and it eventually dawned on them that the distant sky was merging into the largest body of water that they had ever seen. Considering that they lived near Big Pond, that was some feat. So endowed were they in beholding the ocean for the first time in their lives and their ancestor’s lives, that they first neglected to notice that a band of Ourks, camping in a decaying shipwreck, had all turned in unison to gaze upon these arriving strangers. “Hey there,” cried the Ourk leader, “that’s a good big tortoise. Let’s make a soup of her!” Auld Moire, less than pleased, snapped out of enrapturement. “Ach, I'd rather not be soup. And these blokes rather not be friends. Let’s give them the business,” she said to no one. For her clanfolk already had let out whoops and yells and charged forth, intending to meet the Ourks who already were likewise charging towards the beastfolk.

    ***

    In the remnants of the Ourk camp, Auld Moire sat on a bench near the fire and took a swig of swamp scrumpy. It was awful, terrible, possibly poisonous. Moire took another swig. Around the fire sat or lounged the rest of her clanfolk. The smaller vermen were all nursing wounds, except Sweet Guineavere who was lying really still. Clever Frogatha assured everyone that she was technically alive despite being exsanguinated by a crypt bat that randomly showed up during the ruckus. “This could have gone better,” Moire opined and received a response of groans and swears. “How was I to expect the trees to bludgeon me unconscious,” squeaked Honest Blanco. “And Wee Rotwilliam bit my…” started Stroppy Thomouse before the clanbeast barked back “That big Ourk did strange things to my mind. Even now every time I see the color blue I taste raspberries!” Moire tossed the bottle of scrumpy into the fire and the resulting explosive belch of green flame silenced the burgeoning quibbling. “As I said. This could have gone better, but we won the day,” she said. “Listen to that ocean. I think it was worth the bumps and scrapes and,” she looked at Sweet Guineavere and the rest followed her gaze, “excessive bloodloss.” “Will she be ok?” asked Honest Blanco. “We’ll see. We’ll cart her along all the while. Maybe find a hedegewitch to do the good business.” They sat there a while more, drinking the scrumpy and eating what the Ourks had left behind after fleeing from the fight. “I think,” said Moire, “we should go back to Scotstaine.”

    ***

    The journey back to Scotstaine took twice as long as the trip to the ocean. While the numerous injuries present in the group contributed, the decision to avoid Dunclachard out of shame was the main factor. It was too early to return home, especially with nought to show for it than an Ourk’s purse and a butcher’s bill of injuries. As they progressed along an overgrown road, Wee Rottwilliam, carrying the comatose Guineavere like a babe because they did not have an aforementioned cart, sniffed the air. “Moire, I am feeling a wee peckish. Mind we stop for some scran?” “Fair enough,” came the reply. The clanfolk looked about and found a suitable site for a temporary camp and they soon dug into their provisions. The conversation was light and the mood of the group had finally begun to improve. Afterall, they did beat back those Ourks and they gazed upon the mythic ocean. They did more than any of their fellows back home could say. Clever Frogatha felt uneasy and after puzzling the unease she realized that Stroppy Thomouse was missing. “Where is-” she began when the nearby undergrowth produced a mighty din. Out ran the erstwhile Thomouse with arms full of eggs and soon after swooped in a flock of grifflings. They hissed and cooed and assaulted the clanbeasts. “Scatter!” roared Auld Moire and they did because they were already doing so. The griffling assault was as fierce as it was strangely adorable and soon the clanfolk were able to fend off the grifflings by heroically offering back the pilfered eggs. “This could have gone better,” intoned Auld Moire glowering at Thomouse as new bruises formed over their current bruises. 

    ***

    The beasts moved past their home at Dunclachard without issue and proceeded to limp into Scotstaine proper. They continued north without any issues of particular note (Honest Blanco coughed up something pink and vital looking but otherwise appeared to be no worse than expected) and soon they found themselves following a river through the increasingly mountainous terrain. Continued they did, encountering the beauty of the country and seeing the sights like a band of tourists until they heard the once more familiar roar of the ocean. And soon enough the river led them to the ocean but their previous experience gave them caution and they crept toward the sea but stared toward the shore. Upon the shore was a mess of detritus, some clearly washed up but some apparently borne from inland. A rickety dock stretched into the water but no craft could be seen upon the horizon. Amidst the rocks, they espied a band of humans. The beastfolk hunkered down and waited to see what they would do. 

    Magus Lars the Plaid, formerly of Cheesingham, was feeling pretty good. His “Get Magical Quick” scheme had suckered a few folk with more gold than sense and he stood to make a tidy profit. This “final test” for these Scotstaine yokels was to demonstrate some notable feats of magic and ability. Here, on a remote shore far away from prying eyes, the veracity of these deeds would be easier to fudge. “Now class,” he said in his affected professorial tone, “as promised, here is our testing grounds.” He looked at the testing grounds he had built for a fiver and a pint. It seemed in less repair than he left it. No bother. “Remember that you need to perform deeds and spells of legendary quality. Only those of such exceptional abilities are worthy of being called Wizards.” One of the apprentices (Lars never remembers their names) raised their hand. “Yes, uh, student?” said Lars. “Oh Wise One, why is that rock moving,” asked the apprentice. Lars turned around. Amidst the wreckage and detritus of his proving ground was a rock. Rather, was something that looked to be a rock. Now it looked to be a troll. Because it was a troll. A mountain troll. A mountain troll known to locals as “Boulder Bill!” screamed an apprentice (either the same one or a different one, Lars could not tell.). “Oh bother,” groaned Magus Lars the Plaid. 

    Moire watched as a rock woke up as a mountain troll. “The auld walloper upset that rock,” said Honest Blanco. “Naw, that’s Boulder Bill,” said Chuffed Duncan, a verman that recently joined the MacClachards. “What’s he about?” asked Moire. “Violence, mostly.” ‘Smashin’. Well, my wee bairns. You left me to do the good work last time. Now’s time to prove yeselves. A bonus to each of ye that konk one of those numpties,” Moire said to no one. For her clanfolk already had let out whoops and yells and charged forth.

    ***

    Sweet Guineavere awoke from her stupor. The sky above was dark and ringed with flickering flames. All around her was what sounded like chanting. As her senses coalesced into awareness, the chanting gave way to the sound of her clanfolk. The air smelled of puke and booze and the ocean. “Ye cannae get me,, ye damned bat” roared Guineavere, thinking she was still at the shore of the Oval Oceans.Honest Blanco, with an eye swollen shut, walked up and offered her a brew. She took it and looked around as she sat up. She appeared to be on some form of stone altar. Over the din, Guineavere could hear Auld Moire. “--Consider me duly impressed that you lot pulled your weight. Granted, we had help from the biggun, but Wee Rottwilliam saw that sod off. Stroppy Thomouse, what’s the take?” The verman, with an arm in a sling, assisted by Clever Frogatha, who likewise had an arm in a sling, was piling up the loot from their recent encounter. “Looks like a decent sum, Moire. A suit of armor, some arcanite, plenty of pretty pennies too.” “Good thing we got the purse off that wizard before he buggered off,” opined Duncan. Guineavere did not recognize him. She looked over his fowl form but noticed that he was carrying her shield. She narrowed her eyes. “Luckily, that troll bastard chased after him,” guffawed Wee Rotwilliam. The clanfolk cheered for that. The troll scared the daylights out of them and it was now night, so none knew what would happen if that troll was still around. Auld Moire sat back. Her clanfolk had done well this day and tomorrow looked to be a brighter day.


  • Chapter 1, Part 2: The Undead Raiders of the Phantom Corsairs

    Off the shore of northwestern Njorsevald, emerged a dark form. As it neared, the winds grew cold. Colder than usual in those northern climes. If any good folk with pure hearts were there to behold it, they would have called their children to come indoors, barred the entries of their homes, and hope that the imminent doom would soon pass. But these shores were absent of such folk. A sea troll rolled lazily, basking in the rays of the wintry sun. The form took shape and the shape took form. The form of a dread vessel, that of Captain Dreadmaw of the Black Atoll. As if, because it was, sped along by unnatural magicks, the vessel continued towards the shore. It continued, without stopping. Captain Dreadmaw stoically looked to his steersman who looked towards the Captain and shrugged. The steersman’s arms had fallen off. “Avast! Why did ye say nothin’?” slurred the Captain with his ancient accent garbled with a tongue swollen with undeath. Then he remembered: the steersman’s tongue had been cut out in life. This was not good. Neither was the immediate crashing of their ship upon the shore. Soon after, or later, Dreadmaw could not tell, the Captain was literally and figuratively pulling himself back together. His ship and crew were a mass of splinters upon the shore, wrecked beyond retrieval except a lucky few. “Alright, me hearties, et cetera,” shouted Dreadmaw, “pity these poor sods who cannot escape us now!” He looked around in disbelief. He really lost that many crew to the crash? “We will forge our legend this day! First,” he let the word ring out before continuing, “we need to pillage and amass treasure. Then,” he paused again,” we will recruit and get a new ship…” At this the crew groaned. But they could have been groaning due to the usual pains of undeath. Dreadmaw soldiered on. “A better ship, one worthy of song and a manifestation of such terrors we shall visit upon the world that no one could even have nightmares of!” Realizing he had forgotten his accent, he finished with “Yarrrrrr!” The crew gave a non-committal cheer which was better than expected. So Dreadmaw looked around and then directed his crew upon their first dread task: comb the shore for loot and treasure. Perhaps they would be lucky and find a merchant overladen with wares and age. Yes, such good luck was due to Dreadmaw. Fortunately, the crew did not have the wherewithal to ask about their current stocks of gold. Where was that gold actually? Dreadmaw pondered such existential questions that he would never have answers for as his crew began to shamble down the coastline, kicking at sand and picking up the odd coin. Unbeknownst to the Undead Raiders of Captain Dreadmaw, their corpse stink was wafting through the region. The decadent carrion funk had a particular appeal to some local wildlife. If they had lips, they would have licked them. But peagryphs and death kiwis do not have lips, but they do have appetites and Dreadmaw’s crew were on the menu.

    ***

    Just as it is difficult to comb your hair when your flesh is rotting off the bone, Captain Dreadmaw learned it was hard to comb a beach when assaulted by over-sized birds. But his pirates pulled through all right. Despite some mild dismemberment a carrion rat taking a thorough bruising, his sailors had found plenty of treasure scattered about the desolate shores. It was good to be king, thought Captain Dreadmaw. Well, a captain is king of his ship, in his own way. Even if that ship was currently in pieces. 

    Anyway.

    As Dreadmaw gazed upon his treasure hoard being amassed, if he could feel he would have felt cold. Instead, he turned around at the dramatically correct moment. “Look what I found, captain,” groaned sailor Thomas. Dreadmaw stared at the raider. “It appears that thar be an axe embedded in yer skull, matey,” came the captain’s response. And the captain was correct. While his eyes were rheumy with undeath, they could still see. Said axe was a beautifully crafted weapon of njordic-make. If you were there, you would be cold. For you see, that axe inexplicably planted in that dead man’s skull was the Axe of Frost or something similarly named. “C’mere,” said Dreadmaw as he grasped the axe’s haft in both hands and planted his foot on Thomas’s chest. With a mighty heave and ho, he pulled the artifact clear of its temporary prison. “Neat,” said the Captain.

    ***

    It did not take long before Captain Dreadmaw rallied his crew to head inland. In his living years, his captain would hold an orgy of boozing and such to celebrate such wondrous plunder. In death, the alcohol did not work its magic. So the crew grew bored. To keep up the momentum, Dreadmaw decided to keep moving. The inner lands have never been thoroughly pillaged before, he believed. Furthermore, he needed some witnesses for his fell acts. True, those birds learned of his wrath, but no one knew death kiwis to be gossips. 

    As they shambled on, they came upon a suspiciously abandoned barn in the middle of the woods. Looking inside, they saw several horses. One looked up and blinked at them lazily, seemingly unimpressed by the nightmarish visions before it. The executioner that Dreadmaw had taken to calling ‘Mittens’, walked forward. “In life,” he rasped,” I rode horses. I loved horses and they loved me.” He picked up a saddle from where it was kept and walked around to the nearest horse, gently as to not spook it. “Such noble creatures,” he continued, “to ride one is to know what it feels to be the wind.” He neared the horse which flicked an ear. It lowered its head to eat from its trough. “To ride these beasts again. I could never have dreamed.” Mittens placed the saddle onto the back of the horse and commenced to walk around it. As he did so, it kicked back right into Mittens’s face. Grabbing the seemingly dead-again executioner, Dreadmaw yelped “Scatter!” and the undead raiders made a quick exit from the barn.


    ***

    Fortunately, the horses were content to limit their reign of terror to their accursed barn and the Phantom Corsairs were soon safe. Apparently. It was difficult to tell because they had entered into the deep woods and vision was limited as was natural for being lost in the woods. What was not natural but was instead unnatural or even supernatural was what they could see in the gloom, down a suspiciously clear path: a shipwreck rotting in the undergrowth. Such a sight would raise anyone’s hackles, but Captain Dreadmaw was not just anyone. And he wasn’t sure his hackles still worked. But a shipwreck is a shipwreck and having sailed and wrecked several ships, Dreadmaw smelled treasure. 

    As his crew crept towards the wreck, the worst sound ever echoed through the dark. The dread meoo, the cooeow, the whatever sounds grifflings make! A flock of the beasts swarmed the undead raiders who seem now destined to be the enemy of all things feathered. Worse yet, as they sought to fend off the avian menaces, a monstrosity broke through the undergrowth and released an even worse sound. The mighty forest troll known locally as the Pine Prince joined the fray. Such a monster was loathe to leave his den, but he happened to be surveying his domain that day and his horses told him of the undead interlopers. 

    Captain Dreadmaw’s optimism was not fairing well with the recent turn of events. But he had hope, or something close enough to it, that his crew could pull through and seize the day. Each piece of gold is one step closer to a new ship, to remaking the legend of Dreadmaw, and to getting off this damn peninsula. 

    ***

    The Landlocked Terror of the High Seas had taken to drinking. Sure, the alcohol had no effect upon his dead organs. But he did not care. First, those grifflings dispersed which would have been an ideal development if that did not presage the simultaneous arrival of a pack of Arcanids and juvenile forest dragons. That troll decided to stay, which was unwelcome. Secondly, that shipwreck turned out to have been a mirage. A mirage! In the middle of the frozen forest of Njorsevald. Dreadmaw had to consult a rotting dictionary that was lodged in the ribs of one of his crew to verify that was what the vision was called. Instead of a ship brimming with treasure, there was a large lode of arcanite. Which unfortunately drew the attention of the troll and dragons. The crew stood no chance and now some cannot stand at all. Some pieces of gold and arcanite were looted by some of the more daring crew, but overall things did not go along swimmingly. Lastly, those two local goons that his least rotting crew rustled up at a nearby meadhall proved to not be worth the money. 

    Dreadmaw polished off the rest of his bottle and uncorked the next. Plans need to change and so too his fortunes. 


  • Chapter 1, Part 3: The Halflings of the Humble Halffields

     

    The Humble Halffields, so named for how low they had been brought by the Mildaark Lurker’s attack, found themselves in dire need for gold pieces. Some townsfolk were sent to beg for alms and request assistance from their neighbors. Others ranged into the forest on the perimeter, making sure that peril was no longer so immediate. Not all who were sent to the forest returned, but those that did spoke of Arcanids weaving their ensnaring webs, likely boldened by their queen’s presence. “Dear brother,” piped up Horatio, “let us do as Gramma used to say. Why do one thing twice when we can do two things at once?” Hugo looked at his brother and blinked, one eye at a time. “It’s too early. Say what you mean.” And Horatio did. If you have never seen an Arcanid. Imagine a big spider. No, bigger than that but not too much bigger unless you are talking about their queen. Now these spiders have the eight-legs and no souls all spiders have. No, that is harsh. Most spiders have souls. But Arcanids are right bastards. Now something special about them, besides their size, malice, and ability to eat you, is that they are studded with honest to goodness arcanite! So Horatio explained to his brother that if they could hunt down those Arcanids, they could fetch a pretty penny selling the Arcanite-studded hides to folks that deal with that kind of stuff. The idea was good and Hugo organized a hunting party. Said idea had two problems that none of the halflings had any reason to anticipate. The first issue was that they intruded upon Wild Elven lands. Secondly, this region was the domain of the Queen of the Woods, a Unicorn not known for mercy towards interlopers.

     

    Following an overgrown path into the woods, the halflings slowed to a stop as they realized that the woods were quiet. The kind of quiet that tells one that trouble was afoot. Trouble was definitely afeet for as soon as they stopped an arcanid hastily scuttled across their path squealing in an un-spider-like fashion. “Fudge that,” squeaked young Isaac Shortbow. Hugo jumped a bit. He meant to leave the little lad back at camp. If anything happened to the boy, his parents would surely prove a headache. Hugo took off his ranger’s cloak and wrapped Isaac up. “Listen, lad, I need you to do me a solid and neither die nor get horrifically mangled. I think we can deal with a mild thumping.” Isaac nodded. “While we do the dangerous work, why don’t you look for some arcanite?” suggested the Sheriff. The boy seemed amenable and that was one problem solved. As he turned to once more look down the path, a majestic being of light and pureness tramped onto the path from whence the arcanid fled. It turned slowly to the halflings and neighed with the fury that only a child awoken from a sweet dream and suddenly transformed into a horse could. “Cookie crumbles,” yelped Proudcheeks Butterbean. He can die, thought Hugo. “It’s just a unicorn,” grumbled Boris who hefted his hammer in a hopefully menacing manner. For unrelated reasons, the unicorn galloped off after the arcanid. “Remember, we need the hides of those spiders,” shouted Hugo, “and avoid that unicorn!” As the halflings began to get to their work, an arrow shot out of the woods and planted at Hugo’s feet. “Apple crisps,” he mumbled.

    ***

    Horatio back at camp had a stew going. A nearby bush rustled. Without looking away from the simmering stew, the cook reached for the heftiest knife from his collection. But instead of any foe or ne’er-do-well, out of the bush limped Goliath, the noble trollhound of the Humble Halffields. The poor canine had gone through it and its pleading eyes and whimpering whines tug at Horatio’s heartstrings. “What happened, little fella?” asked the halfling to a beast larger than he. “He suffered from a misunderstanding, the poor scamp,” interrupted Hugo following the dog. Horatio put the knife down and sprinkled some herbs from a bottle labeled Herbz into the stew. “Is that so?” “Truly,” continued Hugo, “a misunderstanding. Before I get to that, look what I have!” The sheriff opened up his satchel to reveal a collection of bloodied arcanite, some with spider-hide still stuck to them. The momentum of the revelation caused a piece of the filthy wealth to arc into the stewpot. The two brothers looked at the pot for a moment. The arcanite did not resurface. Hugo continued: “We had a good hunt but there were some complications. Did you know there are Wild Elves in these woods?” Goliath whimpered and Hugo patted his head. The Sheriff's eyes had a manic gleam that only prolonged arcanite exposure could bring as he continued, “Oh yes, we have stumbled into their territory alright. One was taking potshots at us. None of us really saw the elf except Boris who went toe to toe with it until he was knocked silly. Said something about a griffling swooping in and almost saving his arse. Now there is a halfling due for a promotion. He showed initiative and derring-do today.” “We really do not have the funds for any wages expected of such promotions. Let’s settle for an extra bowl of stew” Hugo looked at the stew which started to change color. “Let’s,” he agreed. 

     

    Later on, the halflings were lounging about after their meal of off-tasting stew. Boris especially seemed to have taken the stew poorly and belched at a steady rate. Everyone gave Horatio side-ways glances but dared not address the matter. Hoping to keep the focus off himself, the cook said “So, tell me about this unicorn.” Hugo spoke of how the unicorn seemed to be less so hostile and more so territorial. Which was a problem because they were in its territory. Goliath growled. “Oh yes, the darned thing rode down our poor hound here,” said the Sheriff sympathetically, “but I showed it what for! I gave it a bit of this and a bit of that and chased her right off.” Somewhere in the distance they heard a whinny. “That’s stew-pendous!” exclaimed Horatio. Boris belched and the cook winced. “Uh, quite soup-er,” he quickly followed up. A bead of sweat fell from his brow. Everyone was looking at the cook who quietly stood up, took their eating vessels and cutlery, and went to wash them. “That was a damned fine stew,” said Boris after one final belch. Everyone else agreed. It was a fine stew and a fine evening. Things were going swimmingly.


    ***

    Deeper into Mildaark marched the Humble Halffields until Isaac Shortbow announced that he needed to urinate. “It’s too early yet to take a break,” announced Sheriff Hugo. A wise decision, considering they started their march not five minutes before. The little lad walked into the underbrush to find an ideal location to do the deed while everyone politely looked everywhere else but there. So it was that they heard a wet sound but instead of the expected steady trickle, it was a rather alarming yelp and splash. Goliath barked and followed the sound and on his heels followed the halflings. Isaac had fallen into a rather secluded pond. “Did you piss in that?” yelled Boris. “No, I stayed strong. Help me out so I can go.” They yanked him out and he stumbled to a nearby tree for the much desired relief. The rest of the band looked at the pond. It was truly secluded, surrounded on all sides by thick brush. And looking into its relatively clear waters they saw that it was ecologically implausibly teeming with fish. “Change of plans,” announced Hugo, “let’s fish!” And fish they did for fish they were. They efficiently fished out the fish with their fishing until they had quite a pile. In their isolation, these fish knew no fear and questioned no tasty morsels. Horatio quickly fileted and cooked them up and wrapped them nicely and doled them out to the band. Quite a pleasant surprise this was, but soon they were back underway.

    ***

    One day soon after, the Halffields were making camp when the Wandering Trader came to visit. As coins and goods passed and forth between both parties, Hugo talked with the trader about recent events, especially the provenance of his ichor-gunked arcanite. Latching onto a morsel of information, the Trader interrupted “A unicorn you say? From a spot north and west of here? Gotsta be the Queen of the Woods. A fearless beast and friend to most.” “Well, she trampled my dog,” murmured Hugo. “I did say most,” rejoined the Trader, “tell you what. I have a canister of unicorn nip I can give to you for 100 gold pieces.” Hugo stared at the man. “Why?” The Trader guffawed, ‘Why not, my boy! A unicorn is a fearsome enemy for a true friend if you can befriend one. A little nip of nip and she will be fine and pleasant to you.” Hugo pondered this and kicked over a stone. Goliath perked up from his slumber and let out a low growl. “How about a mite less than 100 gold, but we throw in a sandwich?” The Trader chuckled and agreed. It was lunch time after all.

     

    While most of the band set up for their post-dinner relaxation, Hugo and Proudcheeks scattered unicorn nip around the perimeter of the camp. “Let’s hope we are not having a repeat of Horatio’s snake oil incident,” mumbled Boris. “I thought it would be like bacon grease,” shouted the cook. Before the inevitable verbal spat could develop, a whinny echoed through the camp. Halflings scrambled and Goliath had visions of being ran over again and scampered into a tent. Only Hugo remained, having dealt decisively with the unicorn before. A soft majestic glimmer appeared at the edge of the camp and soon the unicorn manifested. She was a wondrous beast, truly worthy of the name Queen of the Woods. Such a wondrous mane cannot be described but in song and her fur glistened as if laced with starlight. The unicorn took a rather ponderous shit and Hugo snapped back to reality. “Listen here, Queenie,” he started and then reconsidered. “Ma’ame, I apologize for our earlier tribulations. Please take this unicorn nip by way of apology.” The Queen trotted up to him, towering like a horse above a halfling, and took a deep inhale of the nip canister. She seemed pleased and, unexpectedly, she sauntered over to Goliath’s bedding and laid down. Soon the Queen of the Woods was snoring. “Well,” said Hugo, “guess she has joined the cause.” From his vantage within the tend, Goliath growled at the highfalutin horse. 

     

    There were some growing pains as the halflings and unicorn learned about each other. For example, the halflings learned that the Queen of the Woods did not want to be ridden. Conversely,  the unicorn learned that halflings will fly several feet if kicked in the torso. The woods were getting thicker and the path became more of a suggestion of a path. While Proudcheeks was breaking out into the second verse of “Fudge the Pain Away,” the group was relieved when a hellish roar bellowed out through the forest. “Great savory dumplings,” yelled Isaac. ‘Quiet you, quiet all of you,” interrupted Hugo. He incidentally made eye contact with the Queen of the Woods who beamed all the knowledge of the universe into his mind and then extracted everything she put there except what he was about to say aloud. “We are near the kingdom of Louis the 25th. He’srich, very rich.” The rest of the halflings were giving glances at their glassy-eyed Sheriff. As if by magic, they looked down the path and did perceive a glimmer of gold and other forms of wealth that were assuredly there. ‘Will this, uh, king give us… the gold?” hazarded Boris. “Oh no,” muttered Hugo, “we have to fight him for it.” The halflings considered and grumbled. But they consigned themselves to the action. They were looking to get rich afterall. “Hugo, where did you learn this,” asked Horatio. “I read it somewhere,” spat Hugo as the information ebbed from his mind and he became more himself. “Any way, let’s sneak up and see what we can see. If anything, I think it is high time we set up a little outpost. If it can be at an old castle, all the better.” The halflings agreed and moved with caution and purpose to their uncertain doom. 

     

    Meanwhile, the forest has its eyes and ears and some of them belong to the Wild Elves. Maeve of the Blood Thicket Wild Elves watched as the halfling interlopers moved into the trap. They may have escaped her sentinel, but this time they will be turned back for good. With a hand signal, she told the rest of her band to prepare themselves. The trap was set, the bait in place, and soon the fighting will begin. 

    ***

    In the Halffield camp, Isaac Shortbow removed the fifth arrow from the unconscious Proudcheeks Butterbean. The mood of the halfling party was dour and none spoke of what happened. Isaac’s patient mumbled something and he leaned down to hear better. Suddenly, Proudcheeks’s eyes shot opened, wild and bloodshot, and he gripped the Proudcheeks by the arm and started blabbering. “You’re safe, you're safe,” squeaked out Isaac. “No, we’re not,” screamed back, the wounded halfling, still quilled with ten arrows. “You weren’t there, here. They are here, boy. We aren’t safe in these woods. The trees, they-” He paused. The shadows behind Isaac coalesced into a form, taller than three halfings standing on each others’ shoulders in a long coat. The hair of this figure was wild, like the first portion of their culture’s name. The second portion is Elf. Said Wild Elf quietly put a long finger to their lips and Proudcheels nodded slowly with his eyes glazing over in fear. He watched, frozen, as the figure moved silently, so quietly as if the sound around him quieted, to the table behind Isaac and picked up a sandwich. The Wild Elf took a bite of the sandwich and then proceeded to scarf down the rest of it. Then the figure merged back into the shadows. “Proudcheeks, are you ok,” asked Isaac whose arms were suffering a degree of blood loss. “I don’t think so,” mumbled Proudcheeks before fainting. 

    On the other side of camp, Goliath’s hackles were raised. That Unicorn must have betrayed them and led them into an ambush. Collusion with that troll and those elves. No other explanation as to how she was able to avoid getting hurt. Where did that new necklace come from? If only the halflings could understand what he could say, Goliath would save them all. But, alas, he will have to watch this horse and wait. Then he will strike and save his compatriots from the coming equine betrayal. 


  • Chapter 1, Part 4: The Vampires of Von Malias

    Victoria and Victor Von Malias, scions of Castle Schloss, were taking a midnight stroll along the coast south of their domain. “Now, Victoria, dear, poor Horacio is at wit’s end.You should not have asked the old sport to get rid of his brother’s dismembered head.” His wife retorted that it had stunk. Also, who sends a dismembered head? Classless. Also ambiguous.” Victor kicked a seashell and pondered. “Well, my dear, I do not think it is a kind message. Looking at our finances, I think we are in for some difficult times.” Victoria stopped and stared at her husband. “Threats of extermination are so-called ‘difficult times’?” Victor sighed, then shrugged. This evening has not been going well. The peasant girl’s blood was a distant memory and he was developing a thirst. “We need cold hard cash to really bankroll a resistance. I know we have won glory on the fields of battle over the years, but I do wish you partook in some unseemly looting while doing so.” Victoria stopped again and stared at Victor. She kept staring. He mumbled an apology. “I know you dislike discussing such things, but they are important” resumed Victor, but he stopped because Victoria was staring past him. They had walked through some dunes and only now, looking back could they see the fire upon the beach. Furthermore, they could see something silhouetted against the flame. Now that they were paying attention, they could hear digging and the grunting that only a laboring troll could make. Victoria smelled the air. Yes, sea troll and… treasure. “Husband.” “Yes, dear.” “You said we needed gold.” “Yes, dear.” “I think we have found some.” 

    ***

    The Von Malias siblings were fleeing up the shore line for their unlifes with an alacrity that only the fear for one’s unlife could bring. Trailing behind them was their death-defying manservant, Moracio, and a colony of crypt bats of variable hostility. I am not sufficiently in the know of vampire physiology to describe their wounds accurately. Victor was scared. He thought they had more time to prepare before the rival families started to send assassins. There was no way that a bunch of bats would randomly swoop in while they were fighting that troll from inside its stomach and proceed to exsanguinate it and then try to do the same to the Von Malias once they crawled out of its carcass. 

     

    Speaking of exsanguination. 

     

    One of the bats peeled off of the pursuing cloud and latched its fangs into Victor’s neck. “There’s nothing left,” he howled as he gripped it with both hands and tossed it away. A bolt of arclightning struck from the sky and evaporated the little beast. Everyone, Von Malias and assassin bat alike, scattered, as the sky began to rain down arclightning and arcrain. The bats smartly dispersed and sought cover. Meanwhile, the vampires and associates gathered together. 

    “Alright, sister, what’s the plan,” asked Victor. Victoria kicked a rock and looked around. They were damp with rain which was for once a blessing. The troll bile was getting old. “We still need money. If anything, we need more money now. It’s raining and for unrelated reasons I am mad.” Victor patted her on the shoulder. The night was still young. 


    ***

    As the night grew older, into approximately its teenage years, the arcrain refused to abate. “Why is it called arcrain,” asked Horacio. The two vampires ignored him as they tried to read a map whose ink washed out in the deluge. The man-servant decided to take advantage of their preoccupation and took out his tin cup and flask of spirits. Setting it on a nearby stone, he began to pour (generously, of course) when a bolt of arclightning struck the cup, sending the poor bastard tumbling through the air. That got the attention of the two vampires. Where a cup of half-poured spirits used to be, was a cluster of fresh arcanite. “Huzzah,” proclaimed Victor embarrassingly. Victoria ignored her husband and picked up a piece of the precious stone. It would fetch a pretty penny for sure. Another bolt hit nearby, this time striking the prone Horacio. “I think,”thought Victoria,”we should take this arcstone and seek cover out of the storm.” 

    ***

    Another bolt of arclighting, the intervals were definitely shortening, struck nearby. The brief flash of light illuminated a shipwreck nearby. 

    “We will seek cover there,” commanded Victoria while striking a commanding pose. She wondered if the ship’s masts would be a draw for the arclightning. But she decided, it is better to die dry than croak soaked. Chuckling to herself, she began to run towards the wreck when a wet griffling plopped in front of her. It cooed a bit and did some cute rolling around. Victoria stopped in her tracks. When she was young and unturned, she had a pet griffling that looked just like one. He was named Sugar Sweetness and he was beautiful and pure until one day Victor’s arcanid ate it. Out of nowhere an arcanid pounced onto this griffling and ate it before turning to scream at Victoria. History repeating, Victoria repeated history by pulling a knife and stabbing the oversized spider. More grifflings were swooping in and so too were the arcanids hunting them. Several bolts of arclightning struck the ground as the arcstorm worsened. 

    ***

    Moments of true beauty tend to permanently tint one’s perception so that everything else can only be seen colored by its memory. For those with an artist’s soul, such moments are devastating. Whole lives have been lost and wasted in the pursuit of ephemeral beauty, the kind which can only happen once and through accident. But such fools are convinced that they can replicate happenstance, catch lightning in a bottle, and behold the beauty that destroys them once again. Victor lacked an artist’s soul, but from where he lay, riddled with arcanid venom, he really appreciated the sight of his incredibly attractive wife furiously chopping over-sized spiders into pieces with the largest sword he had ever seen. Then he passed out as his otherwise empty veins sent venom into his brain. 

    Victoria stood alone amidst the wreckage of the battle at the front of the shipwreck, surrounded by the bodies of fallen friend and foe. She breathed heavily for effect. The sun rumored itself on the horizon, so she got quickly to work dragging the night’s spoils into the wreck’s interior and then she dragged in her fallen man-servant, crypt bats, and husband. The sun was a glimpse over the ocean, present enough to sizzle her flesh. Victoria risked a glance, to snatch a rare glimpse at the forbidden light, before shutting and barricading the door of this day’s abode. 


  • Chapter 1, Part 5: The Dark Lords of the Onyx Citadel

    Brooding upon his towering throne of wicked malice, Archduke Valerius of the Onyx Citadel pondered the meaningless of everyone else’s existence. With a deep contemptuous sigh that reverberated through his terrifying helm, Valerius arose from his throne and walked to one of the citadel’s many fell terraces from which he may gaze upon the unconquered lands of the unworthy. To Valerius’s disgust, it was a beautiful day with clear skies and the distant forest of Mildaark swaying like an emerald sea upon a field of azure. The Dark Lord narrowed his eyes and clenched his fists. He would spit his contempt from his vantage, but experience reminded him that his helm would splash the spittle back onto his unknowable form. So Valerius decided to commit to an even more foul and despicable act. Whispering a chant incomprehensible to anyone with good in their heart, Valerius summoned an unholy being of flame and, hopefully, evil. “M'MY'DHKSAR,” roared Valerius to his underling, “BRING ME MY MOST FAITHFUL LIEUTENANT.” The little fell beast farted out of existence. After a few moments, more than expected, it pooted back. “Milord,” it squeaked, “you said ‘most faithful,’ yes?”. The resulting roar and shaking of the citadel was confirmation enough. The minion squeaked back out of existence and took even longer to return. And returned it did. Alone. “EXPLAIN YOURSELF,” whispered Valerius with a voice sodden with rage. The little imp yelped and started to flee when a hobgoblin which had been hiding behind the stuffed armor of Valerius’s predecessor shuffled over. “Uh, you summoned me, milord?” “YES…” began Valerius, drawing a blank. He snapped his fingers. “High Honcho Sinpox Ichorsuck, milord.” Valerius paused. He really needed to get around to enacting some restrictive laws on the naming customs of his minions. “MY MOST,” began Valerius before considering, “LIEUTENANT. SEND OUT THE SCOUTS. THIS LAND HAS FESTERED WITH JOY FOR TOO LONG. NOW IS THE TIME OF OUR LONG DELAYED YET INEVITABLE CONQUEST.” The hobgoblin bowed and flourished and left the throne room. On the way to the privy, Sinpox noticed a hobgoblin playing cards with a rat and gave him a firm yet fair kick to the arse. “You there. Assemble a band of no more than three and no less than two troops and prepare the world for our Dark Lord’s imminent arrival. The sore-arsed hobgoblin affected a salute and scrambled out to do as he was told, just like his mother always told him. Hours later, Sinpox was leading his glorious and terrible leader on the first stages of their invasion of Upper Arcworlde, accompanied by an elite band of three hobgoblins unfortunate enough to not look busy. The beautiful day was giving way to a serene night. The moon was full and the calls of wildlife brought a feeling of harmony to the world. Valerius hated it and punted the nearest toad. They were following a river of lava to what Sinpox assured Valerius was the forward camp for their invading army. The firelight in the distance sure seemed to indicate so. But something was wrong. Normally a camp of one or more hobgoblins would be full of bad music and drunken laughter, especially when they thought the Arch Duke was not around. But there was a silence that Valerius found comforting which means something was not right. In the underbrush, a shabby form dragged itself, leaving a trail of ichor. “Kill me,” it rasped. Valerius acquiesced. “Looks to be one of our scouts,” yelped Sinpox. Something was definitely wrong. Besides the fatal bootprint of Valerius, the hobgoblin scout was a sad sack of broken bones, blood, and dung. Valerius needed to know what unfortunate soul or souls he was about to obliterate for the insolence of not being dead. As he summoned once more M’My’Dhksar, the underling’s glow illuminated a worn wooden sign staked nearby. Written upon it in hobgoblin script were the words “Dunt camp hear. Trolz”. Arch Duke Valerius of the Onyx Citadel, First and Only of His Name, turned to the cream of the crop of his hobgoblin legions. “THE SKULLS OF THOSE TROLLS,” he started before glowering as the hobgoblins started snickering at the rhyme,” ARE MINE.” He had intended for a more fearsome speech but the giggling got to him. He will make a note to flay them alive, inside and out, after the world was reshaped in his image. “Yes, milord,” whispered Sinpox, and he led the hobgoblins forward into the dark and probably towards painful injury.

    ***

    Arch Duke Valerius of the Onyx Citadel, First and Only of His Name, Trollbane, stood mighty and proud amidst the wreckage of the wreckage of his scouting camp. The troll proved to be no match to the might of the Dark Lord and it fell easily before him due to slipping in hobgoblin blood. Some well-placed jabs, both of sword and word, put an end to the beast. The hobgoblins did as expected. Victory, an intoxicating quaff, flowed through Valerius’s being. “YOU THERE,” he bellowed to Sinpox, “RAISE MY FELL BANNER AND CLAIM THIS LAND. THIS IS BUT THE BEGINNING OF THE START OF THE END OF THE WORLD!” He had begun to stumble there, not unlike that troll, but he caught himself. Sinpox looked around at the remnants of the camp and his erstwhile comrades. In the grasp of a rigor mortis stiffened hobgoblin was the camp’s banner. Sinpox gave the corpse a boot and the banner raised more or less up. “What’s next, milord,” asked a hobgoblin who was so insignificant that Valerius did not bother to remember his name. The Dark Lord looked at the wretch and willed him to explode. The hobgoblin grew bored at being stared at and wandered off. 

     

    “FOOLS,” proclaimed Valerius, “WE MARCH TO CONQUEST!” He then strode off, menacingly, and his minions had nothing more important to do and thus followed. 


    ***

    The mouthy one had been mouthing at Arch Duke Valerius who finally assented to stopping for a spell so that the First Valerian Legion could prepare themselves for their next assault upon ArcWorlde. Soon the Hobgoblins were drunk and telling each other bawdy tales. The Arch Duke sequestered himself and his minion in his headquarters and was reviewing dispatches and dictating orders when the mouthy one came in. The Arch Duke quickly, and he believed sneakily, hid his cheaters. “WHAT IS IT?” The Honcho gave what he had assured Valerius was a respectful salute and announced “Milord, someone is here to beg an audience of your majesty.” Mostly out of boredom, the Dark Lord responded ‘THEN LET THEM BASK IN MY GLORY.” 

     

    While the mouthy one groveled, one of the other hobgoblins let in the visitor and then collapsed, oddly pale. But the Arch Duke was distracted, so distracted that he could not manifest an appropriate metaphor. “My lord,” she began with a voice like a sun that could melt an icecube, “I have heard of your many feats of conquest and the terror you have sown.” Good, thought Valerius, the pamphlets he had been sending out are being read. “Let me introduce myself, I am–””LADY VALORA. OUR MEETING WAS DESTINED,” interrupted Valerius. It can be argued that this was not necessarily a lie because Valerius never lied, he just has a skewed perception of the truth. It was definitely false though. Nine out of ten seers, on the condition of anonymity, have agreed that no such destiny was so destined.  The visitor paused with a flash of a wince and continued “Yes, my Arch Duke. I have come to pledge myself, mind, body, and soul to your cause.” The Arch Duke’s helmet blushed. But he regained his fearsome composure. “LADY VALORA, YOU ARE WELCOME TO JOIN THE DREAD VALERIAN LEGIONS AS MY SECOND.” The one now known as Lady Valora bowed and took her place at Valerius’s side. The Arch Duke looked at the mouthy one. “YOU, WHAT IS YOUR NAME.” “Sinpox, milord.” “AFTER DAYS OF UNQUESTIONABLY LOYAL SERVICE, YOU HAVE BEEN DEMOTED TO MY THIRD. WRITE THIS DOWN, M'MY'DHKSAR” ‘Personally regrettable but wise, milord. May I ask if there is a reduction in my wages?” “OF COURSE, YOU FOOL. YOU WILL NOW BE MAKING A THIRD’S WAGES. NO LONGER WILL YOU BE MAKING A SECOND’S WAGES. WRITE THIS DOWN, M'MY'DHKSAR” “Very well, let me move myself down the hierarchy, my dread lord.” With that, Sinpox moved to depart. “BEFORE YOU GO,” Valerius paused and snapped his fingers at the retreating hobgoblin. Sinpox narrowed his eyes and said cautiously “Pinsox, milord.” “YOUR REWARD IS WELL EARNED, PINSOX” “Thank you, milord” he stammered before rushing out. The last thing he saw as he left the tent was a devilish toothy grin smeared across the face of this “Lady Valora.” 

     

    The hobgoblin was gone and Valerius turned to his scribe. “M'MY'DHKSAR, CONTACT THE GUILD OF AFFORDABLE QUALITY ASSASSINS. HAVE THIS PINSOX ELIMINATED, WE CANNOT AFFORD HIS WAGES.” And so the assassins were hired and somewhere in the Onyx Citadel, Pinsox the hobgoblin friend of all hobgoblin children and the chief bureaucrat of the Empire was found, having accidentally beheaded himself turning the pages of a ledger. Back at the camp, Sinpox received his first wage ever for being in the service of the Dark Lord.

    ***

    By royal decree, the best scouts of the Dread Valerian Legions were sent out to find foes worthy of conquest. After it became clear that the best scouts had deserted, Sinpox sent out some hobgoblins that owed him money to find something worth looking at. 

     

    “There’s not much, man,” said one of the two scouts that returned. “Are you speaking of your company or what you have found?,” asked Sinpox. The scout looked startled as if something he considered ordinary (the death of his comrades) was apparently unordinary (the death of his comrades.) “Oh, there were these tombs in the middle of the woods and, well, let’s just say that-””Here’s a fiver,” interrupted Sinpox as he tossed the scout a hobgoblin dollar and bolted.

     

    “They found it, my lady,” wheezed Sinpox at Lady Valora’s feet. “After all this time,” she whispered, looking longly into the distance, wistfully hoping it was towards what Sinpox said what she hoped it was. That previous sentence snapped her out of the dreamlike fugue. “Now, where exactly, Sinpox, are they?” 

     

    Later in the mighty tent of Arch Duke Valerius, Lady Valora made her case. “Your Dread Legion-””DREAD VALERIAN LEGION””Dread Valerian Legion Scouts have located my former husband’s tomb.” The Dark Lord began to cackle. It was an uncomfortable sound which I will endeavor to describe. Imagine if you will that there is a little, adorable pig. Now imagine that pig gleefully squealing because you are about to feed it a delicious apple. Not a red delicious apple, but an apple that’s actually delicious. Now imagine that pig is doing as previously described but is on a swing being pushed by someone very effective and pushing people on swings. Now there is an echo because the pig is in an echoing cave while being pushed on a swing as it sees someone producing a delicious apple. Now, and this is the most important detail, that pig is evil. Such is the sound of the cackle that the Dark Lord made. 

     

    After getting his sillies out, the Dark Lord finally spoke once more. “I SHALL DESECRATE HIS TOMB THEREBY USING MY FELL MAGICKS TO FREE YOU FROM HIS CURSE OF HATRED, O MY LADY VALORA.” His consort lovingly rolled her eyes. “Sure,” she said. 

     

    The next day, the Dread Valerian Legions mobilized, following the trail of dead scouts to their destination. With a few firm kicks, the Arch Duke arrayed them for battle. “CHARGE!,” he roared. Something else roared back.

    ***

    --AND LASTLY, MAKE SURE EACH OF MY LEGIONNARIES RECEIVES AN EXTRA RATION OF GROG IN APPRECIATION FOR THEIR ONGOING LOYAL SERVICE TO THE ONYX CITADEL. NOW LEAVE.” commanded Arch Duke Valerius of the Onyx Citadel, First and Only of His Name, Trollbane, Enemy of Dragonkind. Sinpox bowed low and made to depart. “And, please, take this as a token of our esteem,” whispered Lady Valora as she handed the retreating hobgoblin a wrapped package. He groveled appropriately and finally escaped the most terrifying moment of his life. 

     

    Sinpox waddled to the nearest campfire where they were roasting a griffling over some burning lichen and he sat on one of the available stones. With hands still shaking with fear-induced adrenaline, he unwrapped the package, cringing with each paper he pulled back. Inside was a poorly knitted hat of a yellow fiber with some strange squiggles embroidered on in green. At least he thought those were the correct terms. Sinpox sighed. The hat was not his style. So he tossed it to one of the other hobs who immediately took a liking to it and put it on. “So, how’s the boss,” hazarded the hob turning the griffling spit. “Well, he seems cheerful.” All the hobgoblins within earshot grimaced. “He also said we are all to get an extra ration of grog. Not sure what that is.” None of the others did either. “Maybe,” squeaked a nearby hobgoblin who put down the violin he was practicing with, “he meant the water he forbade us to drink when he stepped in the puddle yesterday.” That made sense, they all agreed. The emptied their flasks of the strange liquid that made them feel weird and gave them headaches and started to refill them with the recently banned water. Sinpox took a leg off the griffling and bit into it. He needed something to physically chew on as he mentally chewed on the devastatingly kind conversation he had with the Dark Lord. 

     

    Meanwhile in the tent, Valerius fumed as if he was the condensed rage of one thousand erupting volcanoes. “It’s not his fault, dear,” said Lady Valora. One thousand and one erupting volcanoes. “I am sure he means well, but you do have to admit that the meeting was dragging-””DRAGON?!,” exploded one thousand and two erupting volcanoes made manifest. “I DEMANDED THAT WE AGREE TO NOT MENTION DRAGONS. NOW I AM MAD AND NEED TO VENT MY ANGER WHICH BURNS WITH THE… THE FIRE, YES, FIRE OF AT LEAST FOUR VOLCANOES. VOLCANOES THAT ARE ERRUPTING!” Lady Valora quickly stood in front of the Dark Lord and stared deeply, mesmerizingly, enthrallingly, into where she thought his eyes were within his menacing and impractical yet still functional helmet. “Sh sh sh sh, my Lord. You are correct and I am in error. Let us not meditate on what happened. You have planned for such setbacks. If anything, we have emerged stronger than before. Our bond has strengthened and your Valerian Legions have been honed by the whetstone of battle. Woe betide the next fool and/or fools that behold you next.” “YES,” sighed Valerius, “I AM MORE POWERFUL NOW THAN BEFORE. AND. I HAVE A PLAN.” “Do tell.” “I SHALL.

    Later in the darkness of night, 7:30PM, the Guild of Affordable Quality Assassins made sure that the hobgoblin wearing the ugly yellow hat embroidered with the words “kill me” did not see the morning.


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